This week's blog shall be an interesting one.
I took a vacation to visit some friends out in California and to observe more of how people are emotionally unavaible and meeting people at the wrong time. I've observed an individual who was very similar to me. After a week of learning how he was, that individual reminded me of myself. He mirrored who I once was or maybe still am. I was trying to bend his chest open so I can read his heart. I wanted to take notes as to why people feel the way they feel, why they do the things they do to cope with their feelings, their life situations, etc...
Here's what I've learned...
Meeting a person at the wrong time could be true. When you’re not actively seeking a relationship but somebody seems to fall from the ‘created perfectly just for me’ tree right into your lap what do you do?
The reason you were never looking to get seriously involved can vary from person to person; perhaps you’re due to go travelling for the next year, you’re moving away for study, you’ve just come out of a messy relationship or you just really aren’t ready to commit. Whatever the cause, the problem remains the same – this person is blowing your mind and sweeping both you and what you thought you wanted off your feet – but you’re just not ready for it.
They’re captivating, they’re addictive, they’re beyond attractive – fuck – they’re completely brilliant in every single way. In a utopian world where you could have your cake and eat it, you’d own that cake in a second and gorge on it at every convenient moment – How often does life present you with somebody like this that you seem to click so perfectly with? It’s a huge, huge risk but you know that you can’t live life by ‘ifs’ ‘buts’ or ‘maybes’.
If he or she is unavailable, this is not your person to be with at this present time, which explains "seemingly right person but wrong timing". A confusing part of being attracted to unavailable, commitment-phobic people is that the emotional or sexual chemistry can feel so strong. You accept behavior that you’d never tolerate in friends. Why?
The electricity can feel so incredible and rare, you may mistake intensity for intimacy. Still, connection or not, you must take a sober look to determine if someone is truly available for intimacy. (That was why I held myself back from any intimacy, I was there to observe. To learn from people's personal experience.)
Hear this: Not everyone you feel a connection with, no matter how mind-blowing, the person you met. You can fall for someone who is totally wrong for you, as unfair and confounding as that reality can be. A soul connection must go both ways. Even if the intuitive bond you feel is authentic, it can remain unrealized. Perhaps the person can’t or won’t reciprocate or is simply oblivious, a frustrating irony I must accept.
To start, here are some red flags to watch for. Even one sign warns you to be careful. The more that are present, the more danger exists.
1. They are married or in a relationship with someone else.
2. They have one foot on the gas pedal, one foot on the brake.
3. They are emotionally distant, shut down, or can’t deal with conflict.
4. They’re mainly interested in sex, not relating emotionally or spiritually.
5. They are practicing alcoholics, sex addicts, or substance abusers
6. They prefer long distance relationships, emails, texting.
7. They are elusive, sneaky, frequently working or tired, and may disappear for periods.
8. They are seductive with you but make empty promises — their behavior and words don’t match.
9. They’re narcissistic, only consider themselves, not your needs.
10. They throw you emotional crumbs or enticing hints of their potential to be loving, then withdraw...
(8 out of 10 I've seen for myself.)
At first, some of these signs may be more obvious than others. It’s tricky: we tend to show our best selves in the honeymoon stage of a romance. It can take time for a person’s unavailability to emerge. That’s why it’s eye-opening to look at a partner’s relationship history. Who he or she was previously with reveals volumes about their capacity for intimacy now. Beware of rationalizing, “I’m different. This person would never be that way with me.”
I don’t care how mightily someone blames the blood curdling horrors of an ex for a relationship’s demise; this person played a role too. Being able to admit that or trying to understand the reasons for making such a terrible choice is a POSITIVE sign. Playing the victim is not. You want to avoid getting involved with anyone who can’t reciprocate your affections. If you are in a toxic, abusive, or non-reciprocal relationship, withdraw even when your passion is strong and says “stay.”
Last but not least, when speaking with this individual I've learned so much. I guess I never experienced how a man is suppose to love a woman. My intention was to hear how he loved his woman. I just want to know how being loved was like from others' experience and how people detach from heartaches and by that I know automatically he will be emotionally unavaible for a long time. They say if you were in a relationship for 5 years. It'll take you 5 years to get over someone. Maybe more. Depending on how long the person needs time to heal.
Sometimes you may meet the right person at the wrong time but I don't think so... Some people are just passing through to teach you lessons in life. We all meet at certain times of our lives for a certain reason, we just don't know what reason it's for yet...
A good, kind, humble genuine person I can definitely see. I pray this person can find himself again. There's so much more to life, I pray he stops blaming himself. I pray for him to feel whole. I can see the despair & desolation in his eyes.
I hope he finds what he's looking for...
