Love me when I’m cold

Coldblooded 

Not being good enough

The fear of “not being good enough” is one of the deepest, most fundamental fears of every human being on the planet. Time and time again I go through this. I try my best to look good. To not be fat. To have a nice body. To look good. I try so hard to be wanted and to be desired. It is one of my worst fears.. not being desired or wanted enough. It’s something I’m facing with every day of my life. Sometimes my bf does things that questions myself, am I good enough for him to want me sexually and physically. Or is that how men really are. It triggers Lot of my past traumas and it makes me shut myself down from wanting to interact with him.  I feel like if I’m alone and single for the rest of my life I don’t have to deal with this bullshit. I don’t have to sit around and wait and wonder on anyone to see if they desire me or want me or if I’m enough for them.

What does it even mean to feel “good enough”? How can you tell that someone else is good enough? What’s so lacking about you that makes you not good enough?

I’ve realized that the fear of not being good enough doesn’t mean you’re actually not good enough; and there’s definitely nothing wrong with you. You’re probably afraid because:

• You’ve internalized feelings of self-doubt and self-criticism because of experiences you had as a child.
• You dream big and other people say your dreams are “unrealistic.”
• You’re afraid to leave your comfort zone, and not being good enough is a cunning excuse to avoid taking action.

Those are all valid reasons to feel fear — but they’re no excuse to stay stuck. 

We all have moments of low self-esteem, feeling not good enough, and like we’re frauds. To move forward, we have to push through those feelings. Eventually I will be good enough for somebody who wants me whole heartedly for my mind, body and soul.

Left alone

Being in a relationship is hard. Being a person is hard. Sometimes I wish I was a tree or even a rock. I go into this phase of just shutting everyone out because I can’t explain the way I feel and I don’t think anyone can understand. Sometimes I need a person for a shoulder to cry on but other times I know I can’t rely on anyone but myself. It sucks you have to keep your feelings inside so you don’t hurt others around you. 

Is being in a relationship worth a battle?

Men with issues

Pornography is an issue that plagues many relationships. In my opinion men who views porn makes women feel devalued and disrespected by the fact that their husbands, boyfriends and fiancées look at internet pornography. Many of the women who I have asked for opinion have expressed feeling betrayed when they discover their men have looked at pornography. They have expressed the belief that they are not attractive enough, or desirable enough, or sexy enough and I too feel the same when a man views such things as if I’m not enough as well. They even view some internet porn along with their partner and feel especially angry that their partner will sneak away to view porn websites in isolation. The expressions of outrage, hurt, puzzlement, and confusion about what goes on with their men. Part of the reason why we women are so angry about internet pornography is that it takes their men away from the family and from themselves. How can a father be engaged in fathering his children if he is locked in his office at home spending countless hours viewing porno sites on the internet? More than just viewing porn, these men are also masturbating. It goes without saying that masturbation occurs in isolation, at least under these circumstances, and the wife or partner is not involved in this solo activity. Yet, why? Why does this occur? Why do otherwise good fathers and husbands engage in this self-isolating sexual behavior when they have a willing sexual partner available? Why do so many men view porn in private and keep it secret from their wives, even from those wives who are willing partners in jointly viewing pornography as a "turn on" preceding foreplay and intercourse?

I have learned throughout the years that both men and women experience feelings of shame around sexual issues but for different reasons.

For women, feelings of shame often have to do with body image issues. Women compare themselves to other women and fear that they are not thin enough, shapely enough, or large breasted enough to fit the stereotypical view of what is defined as a beautiful woman. In addition to body image issues, women struggle with what is and is not acceptable about being sexual when you are female. To this day there remains the double standard that for men it is permissible to be sexual but for women sexuality represents being immoral and sinful. Yet, once married, women are expected to be sexual and erotic for their husbands. These conflicted feelings are often less intense today, in the wake of the women's liberation movement, but they still persist.

For men, shame issues are directly related to sexual performance, and definitions of masculinity. For the male, part of sexual performance has to do with getting and maintaining an erection. This is such a visible aspect of masculinity and is so very obvious that any males who doubt their masculinity struggle with the question of whether their erection is large enough to attract and satisfy women. The man wonders if he is aroused enough. 

I’ve also learned that men views pornography in private because they do not want to admit to having such fantasies about their wives and may even believe that these wives would never approve of such erotic and "prohibited" fantasies. Therefore, the pornography must be viewed in privacy and solitude. The luckiest couples are those who can learn to abandon themselves to their sexual fantasies and strivings with one another without inhibition and anxiety. These couples can view pornography together, if they wish to, and can be free with one another without being inhibited by feelings of doubt about appearance or guilt that stems from unresolved issues of childhood. There is a normal part of foreplay when willing partners engage in pinching, biting, slapping, or spanking, and many other erotic activities in order to heighten the anticipated pleasure of intercourse. The key phrase here is "willing partners". How that phrase comes to be defined within a given couple will determine whether that couple can be open and honest with one another or not.

What are your opinions?

Don’t drain love from your relationship

Healthy, stable, and loving relationships don’t happen by magic.  They happen as the result of two people actively working together to be a team, empathizing with the other’s point of view, and making compromises.  If that sounds terribly romantic to you, then it is worth reflecting on what type of relationship you believe can be sustained over the long-term without these basic attributes as part of the foundation. Consider how all of your actions within the context of your relationship are either strengthening or weakening its basic foundation.  What behaviors can you choose that will serve to strengthen and reinforce your loving committed bond to your partner?  How are your behaviors congruent with the type of relationship that you value and strive to maintain?

“you struggle with your partner, you are struggling with yourself. Every fault you see in them touches a denied weakness in yourself.” – Deepak Chopra

Becareful with who you allow into your life.

We have to be careful with who you allow to touch your life. As a person you are a limited resource who only has a limited amount of time and there are people who come only to drain you. Drain you of your time and energy. Others are discouragers, they challenge your every idea, your dreams, or aspirations. Then there are those who complain that everything around them is wrong except for them.

Researchers had found that the #1 predictor of how happy people are is the quality of their social relationships. If you’re a person who has a good social relationship, a good network of friends, the toxicity levels are low, the health level is high you’re going to be a happier person. It is also shown that people who has good network of relationships and social friends, those are the people who tend to live longer.

Refuse to be offended. Don’t take things personally. No matter how outrageous their behavior is and how they treat you or insult you, they are revealing themselves not you. They are telling you what’s in them not in you. When people are mean, when they are controlling it says about who they are it tells you what their problem is.

HURT people, hurt people. Toxic people tend to have something internally that they are dealing with. But as mature people we must have the love and not be offended when we encounter certain types of people. When it comes to relationships, being associated with, being in agreement with or being unequally yoked a toxic person can not only impact you but also your life. Knowing someone with possible toxic traits will allow you to make decisions and evaluate. Will this person add or subtract to my relationship? If you’re around someone who has any toxic trait in them it will rub off on you… I've been hurt by multiple people in my past but I don't take it personally. I take it as a lesson and I become resilient and pick myself back up and move on.

Now the reality is there’s a lot in life you can get offended by but when it comes to personal relationships, you just have to get over it. And try not to get offended by other people. In other words if you wanted to you an have such a thin skin everything everybody does offends you and you’re going to be unhappy most of your life so you got to learn that emotional and spiritual maturity is largely determined by how you treat those who mistreat you.  Bad company will always corrupt good morals.

One of the keys to happiness in life is you need to develop a thicker skin and not just be offended by so many things. You should always have a tender heart and thick skin so not everything sets you off or offends you. One thing you can do is try to ignore it as best as possible and not let it bother you. When a fool is annoyed, they quickly let it be known but wise people will ignore an insult. So be cautious of who you allow into your life.

People come into your path for a reason, a season or a lifetime

People come into your path for a reason, a season or a lifetime

When you know which one it is, you will know what to do with that person. When someone is in your life for a REASON it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.

They have come to assist you through a difficulty… To provide you with guidance and support… To aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually… They may seem like they are a godsend, and they are.

They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then without any wrongdoing on your part, or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.

Sometimes they die…
Sometimes they walk away…
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand….

What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled…

Their work is done.

The prayer you sent up has now been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON. Because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.

Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons. Things you must build upon to have a solid emotional foundation.

Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.

It is said that love is blind, but friendship is clairvoyant.

Thank you for being a part of my life to anyone that has come and gone…

Whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime.

All we have left are memories so cherish them and value it well.
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These are my 3am thoughts...